When you stick two people into a tiny dorm room, conflict is bound to surface. Even roommates who are the best of friends will experience friction from time to time. Roommate relationships are something so special but often very fragile. It’s normal and human but it can feel discouraging when you’re having problems, especially with your roommate’s behavior. You won’t want to get a new roommate, but you also won’t want to deal with the underlying conflict. Also, you’ll want to voice your issues, but you won’t want to make them mad. So… what do you do if you’re having roommate problems?
Flickr user naraekim0801
1. Talk it Out
Well, let’s start off with the obvious one. Communication is key, after all. This should always be step one. If you have an issue with a person, you can talk to them to see if you can resolve it between yourselves. Whether it’s a nasty habit of theirs showing up in your shared space—leaving laundry out, eating your snacks, watching movies when you’re trying to sleep, etc.—or they’ve said or done something harmful/offensive, you should talk to them about it. Plenty of roommate problems can be solved by talking to each other about the things that are bothering you. Talking it out is the simplest conflict resolution but often the one many people fear the most.
But how exactly do you start this conversation?
Here are a few ways to open it up:
- Hey, there’s an issue I want to speak with you about. When is a good time for you?
- Hey, I noticed you’ve had a lot of unexpected guests during the week. Can we talk about it?
- Hey, I just want to let you know that when you said X, it hurt my feelings.
- Hey, I know we all get super busy over the semester, but can we be more intentional about keeping our living space clean?
2. Go to an RA
If the problem persists or is serious enough, the next step is to go to your floor’s Resident Assistant or Resident Advisor (RA). They’re there to give you a helping hand no matter the issue, so roommate mediation is pretty common for them. Typically at the start of the school year, your RA will sit you and your roommate down and go through an agreement contract that all of you can refer to if issues come up. Here are some of the common agreements in a roommate contract while living in a dorm room:
- Cleaning duties and overall cleanliness levels
- Using each other’s stuff and food
- When you can and can’t have guests over
- Splitting communal items (cleaning supplies, paper towels, snacks you may share)
- The temperature that the room is kept at
These are just some examples and not all roommates will need it, but having this reference is helpful when conflicts happen.
Resident assistants have experience and resources that you might not have and act as authority figures. Don’t be afraid to go to them either. If communicating can’t sort out your problem, an RA is a great person to go to and is trained to handle issues.
3. Offer Compromises and Suggestions
Sometimes it’s not enough to just describe the thing that’s bothering you. It helps to offer solutions to the problem. For example: “You’ve been leaving dirty socks around the room, why don’t we get a hamper for laundry?” It’s much easier for someone to change if they have a starting point.
Or: “I notice that you’ve been bringing your friends over really late. Is it possible to stay in the common areas of the dorm after a certain time? I have class early in the morning and I need a good night’s rest. On the weekends, I don’t mind at all!”
4. Show Respect
It’s easy to get angry at someone you’re living in close quarters with. You see them almost all the time and talk to them almost every day. Odds are, you’ll get mad at them for something but it’s important to show them respect no matter what. In fact, they probably feel the same way about you! When you have minimal privacy for long periods of time, it’s easy to get frustrated and lash out in anger. We’re just saying to take a few seconds before you speak and offer respect to the person you’re living with!
5. Set a Time to Decompress
When you’re in college, you’re constantly overwhelmed by school and being around a lot of people. So coming home to a room where there is also someone can feel like you have no time to actually relax! Come up with an agreement with your roommate where you both don’t acknowledge each other so you can decompress in peace. It’s not ignoring them, but having some time to yourself will change the way to interact with others in a positive way.
We know that there’s no perfect roommate. Everyone has their flaws and that’s okay! Knowing how to deal with roommate conflict is key to maintaining that friendship and not having a bad roommate experience! Follow these tips and you may find a friend for life!
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